Dare To Love Again Read online

  “You can’t take him away from me; I’m his mother, I’m the only one who’s taken care of him his whole life.” I held my baby close as if expecting him to be dragged out of my arms any second. Surely he wouldn’t be this cruel; he must remember some of the warmth we’d shared. My mind was grasping at straws looking for a way out, but his next words stung and told me all I needed to know about what he was really thinking, how he really felt.

  “And whose fault is that? Didn’t you do the same thing to me, you absolute fucking…?” He stopped and looked down at the baby who was looking up at him warily, almost as if he sensed the anger in his daddy. Calen stepped back and ran his hand over the back of his head the way he always does when frustrated before turning back to me.

  “You’re lucky I haven’t already broken your fucking neck, you’d do well to not say another fucking word in my presence. From now on, what I do with my son has nothing to do with you. Don’t even think about getting in my way. And before you look at me like that, remember that this is your doing.” His voice had lost some of the heat for our son’s sake, but each word pierced me like a well-aimed dagger

  I’ve seen Calen mad before but never at me, and never this vicious. But it was the look on his face more so than his words that had cut me to the core. The light that had always been there when he looked at me was no more. All I saw there were disgust and hate. It was as if all those many warm nights spent wrapped around each other had never been. The man looking back at me was nothing more than a stranger.

  I can’t say that I was surprised when he made the decision to take his son against my wishes. That’s why we were at the mall waiting for him now. He’d left the apartment after telling me he had some things to take care of before coming back to us. I didn’t dare ask him what things, and after overhearing him on the phone ordering someone to come sit outside my apartment, I didn’t know if to be relieved or fearful.

  The fear I felt for my mother paled in comparison to what I now felt for Calen, the man I’d loved with my whole being. He’d always been gentle with me and had always gone out of his way to shield me from what he used to call his more volatile side, something I’d seen only once when a colleague had gotten too close one night in a drunken stupor.

  I thought Calen was going to kill the man until Donovan, the same friend who’d found me, and the baby at the mall had stepped in and cooled things down. I’d since learned that Calen had destroyed some deal he and the other man had been working on, something that had cost the other man millions. All because he’d made a pass at me while intoxicated.

  I got out of the car now and walked around to get the baby, but Calen beat me to it. He’d climbed from the backseat at the same time, and I was just in time to see that he now had a car seat back there already and what looked like a mountain of packages, which the driver was now moving to the trunk of the luxury town car.

  I stood almost stupefied as Calen reached in and unbuckled our son before lifting him in his arms. He didn’t say a word to me as he turned and started heading for the mall entrance, and I swallowed the hurt as I walked behind them. It warmed my heart, though when my baby chortled at me over his daddy’s shoulder and waved his little fingers at me.

  I reached out to him, just to touch his fingers lightly, but the look Calen threw at me over his shoulder had me drawing back in surprise. He seemed to catch himself as he turned and started walking again. It’s obvious that it’s going to take time to get used to this new dynamic, but I’m not sure my heart can take it.

  Eyes that used to watch me with such heat were now filled with ice. His heart had been locked off from me, and it was obvious that he only cared about his son. I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I’d made up my mind never to see him again in this life. I knew the pain of knowing what I’d lost would be too much to bear if our paths should ever cross.

  At night I’d take out a memory from our time together and relive it in my lonely bed until I fell asleep. I never allowed myself to think of the present; of the life, he was probably living without me now that I was gone. I didn’t let myself think of what he must feel towards me, and the thought of him finding someone else which I knew would be no hardship for him was almost more than my poor heart could take. I didn’t know the half of it.

  Calen

  I ignored the look of hurt on my ex-wife’s face as I carried on walking with my son into the mall. I was told that the baby store here was the best in the immediate area for now, and since I didn’t want her bringing any of her shit to my place, I needed to be here until I could work out something better.

  I’d called a friend of mine and gotten the name of the safest car seat for him, which needed to be picked up somewhere else and had taken a three-hour drive unless I wanted to wait until tomorrow to receive it by mail. I wasn’t willing to wait a second longer than was necessary to have my seed in my home under my roof, where I could watch over him.

  I have yet to deal with the anger I feel over having missed out on the first year of his life, but then again, when it comes to Giselle, I have a lot of deep-rooted anger that needs to be dealt with. I’ve put off even thinking about her for the last two years, but now, now that she’d stolen my seed and kept him hidden from me, she can have no idea of the hell I’m about to unleash on her disloyal ass.

  I’ve never known hate like the one I feel for her. I’ve had strong dislike before, but she’s the one and only person who’s ever tapped into the darkest side of me, a side I didn’t even know I had until she walked out on me. It had taken me days, weeks, months, to get over what she’d done, and the pain was so raw in the beginning that my only recourse was to wipe her from my mind completely.

  It was like cauterizing a wound or, worse, amputating a limb. I didn’t drink or do anything that would further harm myself; I’m not that weak. Instead, I’d turned my rage into something more. I’d thrown myself into work even more than I had in the past, which only made me richer than I already was. And I guess you can say the extreme sports I’d taken up was a drug of sorts. Whatever it was, it had helped me put her out of my mind as if she’d never been.

  It’s not wise to think of the person you hate most in the world and what you’d like to do to them while scaling a treacherous rock face on the side of a steep mountain overlooking a cliff. My mother had been terrified that she would lose her son, but had I not thrown myself into those things, she’d have lost me to jail instead because I would’ve hunted this bitch down and knocked her fucking head off had I seen her at any time in that first year.

  I’d held onto the house for some twisted reason, knowing that bringing another woman there would be the nail in her coffin. I’m still not sure how I knew that seeing as she’d disappeared without a trace. But somewhere deep inside, I knew that the love she’d had for that place had been real, and being a damn female, the thought of another woman being in the place she’d seen as hers would gut her.

  I couldn’t leave it as it had been, though, fuck no. Each time I walked through the door and saw the evidence of her touch, I’d wanted to commit murder. So I’d hired someone to gut the place from top to bottom and remove all the froufrou shit she’d been into, turning it into a more modern state of the art home. I hated it, her designs had been more suited to the place, but I was killing her with each piece I removed and replaced. At least in my mind, I was.

  I’d taken on more work, traveled more and more to get away, to keep my mind occupied so that it wasn’t filled with her. The one time I tried to fuck someone else had been a disaster and had made me hate her even more than I already did. And then the thought of her in someone else’s arms had turned me into a complete fucking monster.

  I’d gone on a tear that had lasted months, something only my mother had been able to bring me back from. But I barely paid her any mind even then, since she was the only one who still sided with my ex-wife. Of everyone around me, it was only my mother who insisted that Giselle hadn’t left me on her own, that she hadn’t deceived me all thos
e months we were together.

  Everyone else agreed with me that she was a gold-digging slut who deserved to have her throat slit and left in a gutter to bleed out. Something I’d sworn I’d do if I’d seen her in those first few days after she left. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t taken anything when she left, that even the account I’d opened for her had gone untouched all this time. I convinced myself that she’d been after my money, and the only reason she hadn’t taken me for more is because something had come up or she’d realized that I wasn’t an easy mark and had moved onto someone else.

  That thought had damn near put me in an institution. But even when my mind came up with these scenarios, there was always a part of me that questioned whether or not it could be true. The girl I’d known, the sweet, soft-spoken angel who’d wormed her way into my heart, hadn’t had an ounce of avarice in her. I’d had to damn near browbeat her into taking any form of money from me, and gifts used to leave her speechless.

  Had it all been an act? Had I fallen for the oldest con? I’d driven myself crazy with those questions and more until I had to put her and our time together out of my mind, or I would’ve lost myself for sure. In those days, mom had begged me to look for her, so convinced was she that there was something else at play here.

  But I couldn’t see what that could be. Giselle had never mentioned anything dark in her past, and though she didn’t like talking about her family, I’d just assumed that they’d had a rocky relationship like so many others do. I knew her dad was dead and had been for a while, but she never spoke of her mom or any siblings, so I got the impression that she was all alone in the world.

  That had only made me want to love and protect her even more, and I’d gone out of my way to be all that she’d ever need. Mom had treated her like the daughter she never had, something that was very surprising for my stalwart mother, who tends to keep everyone except family and her closest friends at arm’s length.

  But from the very start, she’d taken to Giselle, something that had pleased me immensely. After Giselle left, mom had been almost as hurt as I was, but she’d been afraid as well, constantly pestering me to call the police or hire an investigator. She’d been convinced since day one that something had happened to my wife, now ex.

  It had been more than a year since anyone had mentioned her to me or even hinted that she ever existed. Until yesterday when Donovan called me in the middle of a very important meeting. I knew right away that something was wrong from his tone, but never in a million years could I have expected the words he had to say to me.

  I had a son; he was sure the boy was mine since he was my spitting image. Rage and joy had mixed and mingled in my chest and gut, and if I had wings, I would’ve flown to my boy. I had to keep my feelings of anger at bay until I had my child in front of me. I took a chance and called Giselle’s old cellphone number, something I still knew by heart, and when she answered, a whole host of emotions had gone through me.

  It never entered my mind that Donovan could be wrong. From the way he described the baby, I too had no doubt that the child could be mine. I did the math in my head from his calculations and came to the conclusion that she must’ve been at least a month pregnant when she left me. Which meant she may or may not have known she was carrying my child when she walked out the door.

  None of that was important at the time though all that mattered was having my son in my arms. It had been hell waiting after that phone call, and when she finally drove up, I thought my heart would stop working. Then seeing that little face so like mine for the first time… I cannot put into words the raw emotion I felt and still do now.

  I’d made a child with the woman I loved, and he was perfect. He had none of the bitch in him, something that would come in handy when I rip her out of his life for good once I get my lawyers on it. I don’t need reminders of her for the rest of my life, so the fact that my son was my carbon copy was just perfect. I wonder how this cold, heartless witch has lived with my exact replica for these past few months? I hope it gave her indigestion every fucking day and night.

  I’m looking forward to destroying her. It’s obvious that there’s a very close bond between her and the boy, but I plan to sever that shit immediately. I’ve already contacted a very reputable agency to find him the best nanny, and once that’s done, I plan to kick my ex’s ass as far away from me and my son as possible. Let her see how that shit feels.

  By the time we made it into the store, I was a raging mess inside. It was only the warmth and weight of my little man in my arms that kept me grounded. The saleswoman, a matronly type with a heavy British accent, was all smiles and very helpful, putting my son at ease within the first few seconds. All was going well as she showed us around the store as I chose the things I wanted to be delivered immediately. That is until she remarked about my ‘wife’ and what a lovely family we were.

  “She’s not my wife!” The poor woman’s face fell, and she looked embarrassed, but I didn’t have it in me to care. People shouldn’t make assumptions. The incubator that had carried my seed for nine months did that thing where it looks like she’s caving in on herself or trying to disappear from view. She used to do that shit when she felt threatened or out of her depth.

  I’d spent many an hour in the past fucking her out of that shit; now I could care less if she melted into the flooring. I left her standing there and carried on with my shopping. I already had someone lined up to kit out his nursery, so this stuff was just for now. I could either send this to my mom’s when I no longer need it or give it to charity since I’m sure she’s gonna want to set up a nursery of her own.

  I haven’t told her about my son yet, just that I had something very important to discuss with her. She’s meeting us back at the house in a couple of hours, which should be all the time I need to be here. Giselle wasn’t saying much of anything since I’d clipped her wings by telling the lady that she wasn’t my woman. She was still looking hurt and morose, but what the fuck did she expect?

  She can’t seriously think that I’m going to play house and pretend to be a happy family with her. Been there, done that, and have the scars on my heart to prove it. She’d be lucky after my lawyer is done with her to get visitation of any kind. He’s already talking parental alienation and all the other shit that she’d done.

  I’d chosen this particular lawyer for the case because I knew that he himself had gone through a horrible divorce a few years back and had been emasculated by his cheating slag of a wife. Now he scents blood in the water whenever one of these cases comes across his desk and goes after the female involved with the intent to decimate.

  Giselle

  I feel a sudden chill each time Calen’s eyes touch me no matter how fleeting. I never knew how awful it would feel to be left out like this until he so bluntly told the sales clerk that I was not his wife, in essence, saying that I was not part of the bond that was he and our son. That pain was as harsh as a folded fist to the jaw.

  Now I feel exposed and foolish as I follow him around the store being ignored by all. I had no say in anything, and it was as if he was the one who had the experience raising a child since almost everything he chose would’ve been my first choice as well. I started to feel jealous since ever since that first look from my son, my little boy had clung to his daddy, and it was as if I no longer existed.

  I know that I’m being silly, that my child hasn’t forgotten me in one day, but it still hurts the ease with which he’d taken to his dad. I can’t really fault my little guy, though. Hadn’t I done pretty much the same when Calen and I first met? I guess it’s true what they say about some men having the power to charm women and babies.

  This would’ve been ideal, of course, if his dad and I were still together, but with the situation being what it is, I can’t help but be uneasy. The way Calen is acting, I’m sure that he hates me, which makes me doubly sure that he would try to keep me out of my son’s life.

  Just the thought brought me close to panic, and I had to keep remin
ding myself that the baby was still breastfeeding, and it would be horrendous to take that away from him. And since Calen only wants what’s best for his son, he’d never do that to him. That didn’t help ease my fears for long, though, especially when Calen picked up a book from the little book area titled, How to rock it as a single father. I thought I was going to die.

  I barely withheld the scream that has been building up inside me since the day before. I’m afraid that if I release even so much as a peep, it’ll go on and on forever. It’s so unfair. Life has never been kind to me now that I think about it. Not from the time I was too little to have done anything to deserve the hand that I’ve been dealt.

  Right on the heels of that thought came the reminder that this time maybe I did deserve what I was getting. Of everything that I had suffered in my life, nothing beats what I had done to Calen, and all the reasons and excuses in the world won’t ever change that. There’s no justification for keeping his child away from him, even if at the time I saw no other way and was given no real choice in the matter.

  I wish I were brave enough to open my mouth and tell him all of it, but knowing him, it was too late. The old Calen would’ve cossetted me if he knew half of the truth, but I doubt very seriously that this Calen would want to hear, or would even consider looking past my sins to the underlying matter.

  So I followed along behind him wordlessly, the distance between us getting wider and wider as he and the sales clerk discussed the best choices for my son, knowing that with each purchase, he was driving a deeper wedge between my son and me. He wasn’t buying top of the line nursery stuff for weekend visits, and where did he learn about all this stuff so quickly? I snapped out of it at the sound of the register beeping over and over again with his many purchases.